So I know it seems like my views on alcohol resemble how the not-so-dearly departed Fred Phelps feels about us gays, (re: Don’t be an Asshole on St. Patrick’s Day!), but I want to make it clear that I am not anti-alcohol!
I guess with any break-up, you seek out all the terrible things so that you can easily distance yourself from something that was a comfort to you for a significant time in your life. Truth is, yes, I do miss it; some days more than others; some reasons more relevant than others.
So I’ve compiled a Top 10 list of things I miss about drinking, some funny, some not so much, and some just plain comforting in the memories that are brought up.
10. Not Caring What Time it is
What is it about social drinking that makes you lose all sense of time? One minute you’re getting money out of the ATM for drinks 1 and 2, the next you’re at ATM #2 in Chinatown! Yes, there are still places in the 21st century that are “CASH ONLY”, and well your last $20 was spent on drinks 6,7,and 8 in the form of Jäger………….. but hey who cared if it was 2:00am? Who cared if you didn’t get out of the cab and in bed til 3AM. As long as one person was able to remember the night, time never mattered.
9. Late night, self challenged eating competitions
Confession of a Fat Boy in 5,4,3,2……
All of the foods of all of the lands……
I could easily house 2 Big Macs, 3 double cheeseburgers, a 6-piece chicken nuggets and a large fry (or 2) if I was lucky enough to get to a McDonalds before they closed. If I was alone I’d seriously try to make it seem like I was ordering for a group by being on my cell — DON’T JUDGE — and if I really wanted to sell it I would order a Happy Meal for the kid I don’t have. OK, so maybe I don’t quite miss this…….but I bet some of you would have paid good money to watch this master class in tomfoolery!
8. Beer Goggles
I am one persnickety bitch when I am sober. Fact: one’s standards increase significantly in the absence of alcohol, like A INFINITY TIMES! I just miss the excitement and suspense of “the escape” the morning after. That moment you realize you weren’t imagining the unhealthy amount of portraits, paintings, and sculptures of your cuddle buddy’s mother littered throughout his home is a moment you can not explain, you just have to experience it to truly appreciate it. I guess it’s like what winning the lottery would feel like if you got through all 18-locks on the door without even a stir from mommy obsessed cuddle buddy.
7. Couch Potato Force-fields
Ugh there is nothing better than realizing you are like 5 or 6 episodes behind in one of your favorite shows (House of Cards, Scandal, Orange is the New Black). And who am I to argue with Netflix when the next episode is about to start in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 seconds after the last episode??!! It’s like a forcefield, a nice comfy, relaxing, ass leaving an imprint in the cushions forcefield.
6. Just Hanging Out with Friends
There is something really nice about hanging out with just your friends, a couple of six packs, and not having the distractions of other bar patrons interrupting some good ole’ crazy fun, especially if drinks are flowing. New jokes are made, old one’s rehashed, some quality time that doesn’t involve having to figure out an alternative way of getting home because friend A wants to go home with Joe Guy.
Coincidentally since starting this journey I’ve been left off some invite lists that I would have thought I would have been included on, and that’s been tough to process. But if it is my non-drinking that’s contributing to not being invited then perhaps I have to reconsider what the term friend means to me.
I get it, not everyone can be invited all the time, or some people might think I don’t want to be around alcohol, but that is far from the case. I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I might be opinionated and outspoken, but I care A LOT about how others feel, almost too much. I just wonder sometimes if my feelings are considered or if I am just resigned to sucking it up and accepting these new realities because I made this choice.
Pity Party…. table for one!
Oh, so sorry…….you’re table’s been given to someone else because life is just unfair and things like this only happen to you.
Like I said, tough to process, but in the words of my fairy-oh-my-gawd-mother, Ms. Nicki Minaj, “I’m a boss ass bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!”
5. VODKA
Enough said………
Thirsty!
4. Just going with the flow
One of my flaws is that I am not a spontaneous person. I like to have a plan — thanks Dad. But as the drinks start flowing, so does my attitude. I legitimately want some of that laissez-faire attitude to carry over into my sober world because I sometimes feel trapped in my own mania of, “This isn’t the plan!!!!” type-A bullshit. If anyone has suggestions….. HELP!
3. Greasy Spoon Hangover Breakfasts
Dear Mul’s Diner,
I miss you soooooo much!!
There is no easy way to say this but I have to end this. It’s not you, it’s me. We’re just in two different points in our lives. You are too good for me, I don’t deserve you. I don’t have the heart to love you, not the way you want me to…………
I will miss you and your corned beef hash, the best in Boston! You will always be in my hungover heart.
Love, JP
2. Excuses not to go to the gym
Yeah since January 5th I have not slept passed 8AM. That leaves a whole heck of a lot more time for your conscious to motivate (or shame) you into going to the gym. I am sure many of my closer friends reading this are eye-rolling in tandem because I am constantly checking in at the gym and you all think I am becoming a gym rat….. and so what if I am? I prefer the term gym-bear and I am sure I can find a few reputable sources that side with me that more hours in the gym are better than hours in a bar. But even when you are sober it’s tough to motivate yourself to get to the gym. It’s just it was whole lot easier to justify a headache, dehydration, or a hangnail as perfectly acceptable medical reasons to avoid exercise at all costs when you had a hangover.
1. Thursday night wine extravaganzas with Olivia Pope
OK if you have not guessed it yet, I am a die hard SCANDAL fan. I have loved everything about its over-the-top, twisty, scream the dialogue as fast as possible drama since its debut 3 years ago. Every Thursday night I make myself a nice dinner and enjoy a bottle , maybe one and a half…. OK OK TWO bottles of wine while I secretly covet every Olivia Pope mannerism known to man. But there’s a connection to this weird isolated tradition that transports me to some of the best memories I have with friends from Buffalo that makes this the #1 thing I miss most. “What??!! SCANDAL!!”
Back home my best friends Leah, Michelle, Katie and Katie would meet almost every Thursday night for dinner and to watch our other favorite Shonda Rhimes’ show, Grey’s Anatomy. I still get teary eyed over the Denny and Lizzie storyline, (pre- “ghost Denny” of course!) A staple at most of these Grey’s nights was a nice glass of wine or two or three (I had class back then), when we weren’t on diets.
When Scandal became “must-see-live-tweet” TV I picked up this tradition again, except this time it was literally a party of one. And that’s not a sad thing, because the memories alone make me smile. Ask any one of us about the October Storm of 2007, and we could talk for hours on how a routine Grey’s night turned into one of the funniest, most creative uses for apples, night of our lives.
For the record: It’s the time spent with the people I care about most in life that I miss mainly, and then the wine. These memories certainly help cope.
Katie, Michelle, JP, Higley (Katie)
Bestest friend in the whole wide world Leah
Whether it’s mustering up nostalgia, feelings of insecurity, or seriously just missing the taste and smoothness of a little Grey Goose in soda water, alcohol is not an evil thing; when it’s handled responsibly, it’s a conduit for some really fun, interesting, communal and sometimes exciting life experiences.
Sure the benefits for me have been amazing so far since making this life style choice, and my first couple of posts may not have conveyed my appreciation for alcohol; but with all new journeys in life we have to navigate uncharted territory.
There is no road map for this process, but I hope in sharing some of the things that I miss, it helps readers understand that I don’t judge people who drink alcohol responsibly, and that this process is very real for me as someone who has chosen not drink. It doesn’t make me a different person, I’m still JP. I’m not doing it for attention, I’m not doing it for a pat on the back, I’m doing it for me.
The reasons I am doing this are still evolving and remain to be seen. Stay tuned next week though when I attempt my first vlog post, and I’ll begin to address this elusive answer to the question of WHY? Some cathartic shit I am here to tell ya!
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Cheers~
JP
Confessions of a Fat Boy........ 