Confession 6: I need to learn how to stay C.A.L.M!

I originally started this blog to document my year without having a drink of alcohol. And with less than 2 months to go I have some big considerations to take into account.

I get asked more than ever lately, “Are you ever going to drink again?” and I usually reply with “Oh definitely……” but I have to admit there is some hesitation behind what I am saying. There is part of me that thinks, ‘will I just go back to the same habits that provoked me to do this in the first place?’

 

• Can I really have “just one”?
• Will I drink just to feel included?
• Will I spend more than $100 on alcohol in one night?

 

These past 10 months have been transformative to say the least. I have found a confidence in myself, or maybe the better term is self assurance, that the only person I need to prove anything to in this life is me. But can I really ignore that little voice inside my head?

As I prepare myself for the unknown beginning January 1 I’ve come up with a quadrant of of tools and strategies to help avoid falling back into the unfortunate habits that I am worried will haunt me.

Beginning in the New Year it is crucial that I remain C.A.L.M.

Confidence

It’s not that I wasn’t confident in who I was before I ceased drinking alcohol, but my self esteem and confidence were rattled a little at the beginning. I worried about whether or not I would be “as fun” hanging out socially at bars without drinking.

Because that’s a bit too subjective to gauge based on other people’s opinions (I think I’m wicked fun), about halfway through the year I changed the way I thought about it. It’s not whether or not I was fun, it’s about whether or not I was having fun.  Disregarding how others felt about my choice to not drink was empowering, it gave me confidence to not give a crap about what others thought about me, something I have struggled with my entire life.

So as the New Year approaches I plan to embrace that confidence even more, and not allow alcohol to impair that, or make me feel that false sense of security of inclusion through drinking. I have to continue thinking less of what others are thinking about me and focus on my own happiness. And to me happiness is a key component to being confident.

I am worth it.

Activity

So,  “am I having fun?”

Turns out, not all that much! As I mature, being fake with the the fake or standing in a bar throwing back shots just to be social and connect is not for me anymore. Sure, once in awhile it’s fun, especially if there’s an occasion, but every weekend…no thanks!

Workouts, new movies, weekend trips throughout New England WEGMAN’S!!, trying new restaurants, hiking, education, writing…. the list goes on and on and on and on of activities I ignored doing or was too hungover to enjoy to their fullest extent.

I recently read an article about the effects of moderate drinking habits that reaffirmed my desire to continue many of the activities (and more so) that I’ve listed.

 

Dr. Danny Mendoza, head of psychiatric services at the Beth Israel Deaconess in Plymouth, MA believes there are many misconceptions about drinking. “A lot of people really think that beer is OK, that wine is OK . . .it is still alcohol and it still has the impact on the body and the brain and it still has the impact on your functional status at home and school and work.”

What impacted me the most was the notion of alcohol’s impact on the brain and the body, even through moderate consumption. Over the past 10 months my endurance is off the charts, my memory gets sharper by the day, and my concentration and attention span have improved markedly. It’s a fact, I am not the same JP that did shots in Dublin back at New Year’s Eve 2014, and I attribute most, if not all of that, to not drinking alcohol.

So why would I want to eliminate those benefits?!

Before then, even with the slightest hangover, I would consider making breakfast an accomplishment for the day (#SAD). I would also consider it “working out” because pans are heavy (#EVENSADDER), and “educational” because I would always need to refresh my memory on how to poach an egg (#JUSTSTOP). Thanks Google!

In all seriousness I like that I am being more open to connecting and being social through activity instead of waiting until 10pm on a Saturday after a gorgeous day and opportunity has passed me by. Not to mention then feeling guilty in a hungover stupor on Sunday.

All that brain space and newfound vigor has also benefited my desire to focus on my…..

Lifestyle

This is a lifestyle blog afterall.

And although not drinking alcohol has allowed me to save tons of money this portion goes deeper than affording a certain type of lifestyle.

With being more confident and active I am exploring interests that I thought I didn’t quite deserve or because of the way alcohol affected my mental and physical state, never pursued.

• I am too fat to be fashionable, I wish I were skinny
• I am too old to transform my body, I am a lost cause
• I am too poor to travel, I want to visit Barcelona, Rome, Hawaii like he does
• I am too dumb to earn a master’s degree, I wish I were young again
• I am gay, I don’t deserve to be married

In this case alcohol either “helps” as a coping mechanism, but what it mostly does is magnify one’s insecurities, which perpetuates the start-n- stop cycle of “getting one’s shit together.” I mean how many times do you have to tell yourself, “New JP starts Monday!”

The ‘keeping up with the Jone’s” mentality is toxic. We live in a time now where it’s easier more than ever to know what everyone else is doing or accomplishing (or at least what they want you to know). I am tired of comparing my life to others or participating in FaceBook Faux Fairytale Land or Instagram’s Exaggerated Euphoria.

It wasn’t until about June 12 that I finally acknowledged that I am not the same person as the person(s) I am comparing myself to, and that has made all the difference. So what if that cute hipster looks amazing in his skinny jeans, or that he earned his master’s degree much younger than I have? He has the body type for them, I don’t. He decided that’s what he wanted for his life and kept going to school, I chose a different path.

Does that really constitute me feeling jealous of ‘him’? No, that’s absurd. But the mind is funny like that, and we all do it. I even look at women sometimes and get jealous which is even more absurd, but we’ll leave that for the therapist’s couch, shall we?!

My self worth should be based off of my lifestyle, not someone else’s. Remembering to set lifestyle goals based off of what I actually want to accomplish within my current life circumstances instead of comparing it to others or what society tells me is the first step. Then the next challenge is remembering that alcohol will only impair my ability to focus on my own lifestyle instead of a comparative one.

And in order to do that well it’s all about……

Mindfulness:

All of these tactics regarding Confidence, Activity, and Lifestyle cannot sustain or be successful without Mindfulness.

And the seeds to mindfulness are those moments of acknowledgement.

• I acknowledged a year ago that I wasn’t happy with my drinking habits.
• I acknowledged in summer that I don’t have to worry about what other people think about me.
• I acknowledged that I’m active, which has made me stronger, smarter, and more attentive like when I was as a teenager.
• I acknowledge that in 2 months I am going to face a new challenge, entering back into a life in which I can choose to drink alcohol.

There are so many things that get in the way of being mindful whether it’s stress at work or school, feeling tired, or even a weekend full of boozin. And when we’re not being mindful we do things that prohibit progress. For example mindlessly eating a bag of chips while watching a TV show when you know you have to fit into a suit by the end of the month for your best friend’s wedding.

And there really is no easy way to be mindful without practice. One of the few clichés I cherish is ‘practice makes perfect’ because IT. IS. TRUE!!!

It’s scheduling in 15-30 minutes a day just to write or sit with my thoughts. It’s taking a break from a stressful work or school project. It’s also reading about mindfulness. I can’t tell you how serendipitous it was that I met my new friend Jason Wise a couple of months ago and he blogs too…… literally about Mindfulness.

https://twitter.com/GetMindfulNow/status/530817734397816833

It’s never easy and I think sometimes, yes, the mind just wants to shut off to recharge itself. However my experience has lead me to a glass of wine or ice cold beer instead to ignore my big fat head instead of just focusing on changing the mindset. But the more one practices being mindful and invests in it with time, the less one’s mind will feel the need to shut off. Thanks Jason for the daily reminders!

Going into 2015 will not be easy as I re-acclimate to the “drinking is a reward” world we live in. I hope that in challenging myself to remain C.A.L.M. it’s not just going to help me avoid drinking alcohol every weekend, but to enrich my life through self validation.

I no longer want progress to mean being validated by others for the hard work I put into my life. I know, I know….. who doesn’t love a pat on the back or 100 likes on their Facebook post?! However, there are those out there that fully rely on it and I do not want to be one of them. That’s just not who I am anymore.

I’d rather have some spend my time with legit people and friends…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

And for those out there thinking that it’s just part of maturing, yeah, I understand that we all grow up. But we all figure life out in our own unique ways, and I would not and will not continue to do it any other way.

Any other tips?? Feel free to share!